Caddyshack 3

I worked a show last night at a country club.  That’s a new one for me.  It was some kind of benefit as far as I could tell.  I assume one person on the board is really into wrestling and steamrolled everyone else into doing it.  Country clubs and/or charities have boards right?

There were a bunch of rich people in gowns and tuxedos walking around from table to table not paying attention to the wrestling ring in the middle of the room where wrestling was happening.  It was surreal.  It was like an even more boring version of eyes wide shut.

Because it was a country club there was a real dressing room.  Which was fantastic.  No changing in the car that night.   When I was walking back after my match I heard a woman say to per peer, “poor people take things so personally”.  I heard a real human person say that in real life.  With her mouth.

That’s something that a cartoon villain would say while a dog bouncer is throwing a scrappy alley cat out of a fancy party.  That’s not something a person would say. 

Even when I’m around “normal” people I often feel like I’m missing most of what they’re talking about.  I wonder if I ever talked to a rich person if we would even be able to communicate.  I think maybe if an spaceship came down and an alien walked out I might have more in common with them than with the people at that show. 

Is it still a show if no one watches?  A question for the ages.


Sometimes I think this blog is just me venting about what I don’t like about wrestling.

I don’t mind when someone has a prop they bring to the ring.  Baseball bat.  “Singapore” cane.  Magic urn.  Branding iron.  Mjolnir.  That’s all fine.  What bugs me is when someone has a prop that can’t be used.  Triple H and the sledgehammer come to mind.  There was a dude in ROH who brought an axe to the ring.  A legit axe.  That really rips the Band-Aid off the nips.

A lot of crazy shit happens in wrestling.  But you cannot hit someone with an axe.  I think there was a Viking dude that brought a sword to the ring in the olden times too.  Same thing.  That does no good.  Give me something I can use.

On the other hand.  I started thinking with my fetch I could do anything.  That’s the beauty of wrestling, no matter what happens people assume its fine.  A guy fell to his death once and everyone just shrugged because they thought it was supposed to happen.  Maybe I could have my fetch get hacked with an axe.  Or hit with a sledgehammer. 

On that Amazing Johnathan documentary they showed that some of his old tricks.  He did stuff like sawing off his hand and stabbing through his tongue.  Blood went everywhere.  He billed himself as the Freddie Krueger of magic. 

Maybe I could do something like that.  I think I’d have to learn how to make my fetch bleed for it to work though.  In the words of the Maniac “You gotta make it gruesome, these people they like blood you know.”

Promotional consideration (not) paid for by the following (out of character)

I don’t know of any of the four people that read this are actual wrestling fans (I know two of them are not) but if you are I wanted to let you know that if you like reading wrestling you need to know about Slammed!, which is of course an epic interactive professional-wrestling novel.  As it says about itself “Turn a scripted steel-cage wrestling match into a real fight in this 250,000-word interactive novel!”

It’s the text-based wrestling RPG (sort of) I didn’t know I wanted in my life.  Are you familiar with the old Fighting Fantasy books?  It’s like that, IE, it’s a choose your own adventure deal where you have stats and those stats decide if you’re successful at things or what options you can choose. 

I just started playing it but it’s a hoot and a half.  I would imagine that it’s something you only play through a couple times and then forget about but it’s only 5 bucks on Steam.  And I think there’s a mobile version that’s free maybe?  I don’t know about mobiles. 

I found out there’s also a movie called Slammed!, more than one actually but only one of them is about wrestling.  It’s truly dreadful.  If you like awful movies it’s for you. 

And as long as I’m hocking wrestling games for no reason I would be remiss if I didn’t mention 80’s Mania Wrestling and Modern Mania Wrestling, free mobile games (okay so I know a little about mobiles) that are fun in the “I’ve got a couple minutes to kill while I wait for my car to get a new tranny” category.  You can spend money on them of course, but there’s no reason to do so – back in the day I played for a couple minutes on my lunchbreak most days and I unlocked everything without spending a dime.  But I did buy a t-shirt because I thought they deserved some money for making a cool game. 

Check them out if you want.  Or don’t.  I’m not the boss of you. 

King of the losers

I answer my phone all the time to a numbers I don’t know.  When you’re at the bottom of the heap the difference between calling someone back and picking up the first time can be the difference between getting booked and not.   

Ergo I talk to a lot of flakes and cranks.  A guy called today saying he wanted me to be in a movie called Planet of the Maids.  I have no idea who he is or how he got my number.  He started to tell me about it but I told him I didn’t care as long as it wasn’t porn and I get paid.  I doubt anything will come of it. 

A couple years ago a video went viral of a “soccer mom” getting mercilessly beaten by an MMA fighter.  The narrative wasn’t exactly right, the woman was a fighter, she was just a shitty fighter.  Whenever you look at the early fights of a boxer of MMA person you see a lot of people with 0-3 careers.  She’s one of those.  Someone who had a dream and was quickly shown that dream was not a good idea. 

I’m pretty sure I saw that woman at the gym this morning.  I wondered if people like her and I ever fight each other.  Do the people pulling the strings know who’s who and they make sure it’s always a legit fighter against a loser?  Does Glass Joe ever fight Max Key? 

I have a dream to run a jobber wrestling tournament with all the guys that always lose on TV.  The tagline would be “someone’s got to win”.  And then they would be crowned champion of the jobbers.  I think people would watch that. 

Hair up, square up

I didn’t expect the Mississippi Coast Coliseum to be a real coliseum.  I expected third tier bare-knuckle boxing event to be in a steelworker’s union hall.  Or in a parking garage after dark.  Or in a drained pool in some guy’s backyard.  This was an actual building built for people to go watch things in.   

I checked the attendance because there were a lot of people there.  6,732. Almost 7 thousand people decided that MMA wasn’t violent enough for them.  Only bare knuckles on human flesh would do for this segment of society.   

Apparently I made quite a splash.  I do have an eye-catching appearance.  You see a woman with scars all over her body walk into a bloodsport, that’s going to turn some heads.  I lost a five round unanimous decision.  It was named match of the night.  Not because it was good, because it was bloody and savage. 

I’m pretty sure I broke her jaw.  She still beat the shit out of me.  I have no actual training in boxing or anything else.  I would like to train in some grappling art but I don’t have the time or money.  So how did I go the distance?  I cheated my ass off. 

I used the professor’s protection spell.  It didn’t work great, but it took the edge off.  Enough so that instead of me getting knocked out in 9 seconds we were throwing punches like it was a Rocky movie. 

That’s why everyone was into it.  When women’s boxing first came around it had a moment in the spotlight because the women doing it were all new.  None of them knew how to box.  So all their bouts were violent brawls.  Later once women actually figured out how to box its popularity took a nosedive because no one cared anymore.  They want blood.  Not scientific pugilism. 

I got paid 2 grand for this.  Which is good, because I stayed in a motel for a week before and ate sort of decent food so I was broke.  Normally I’m more careful with my money.  I swear I am.  After the match an agent came and said wanted to represent me.  He looked like that dude who’s always in Will Ferrell movies if that guy was a badass instead of a doofus.  He used to be a boxer himself.   

He said that with some training and management I had a chance to make it in combat sports.  I was tempted.  2 grand for one night.  But it doesn’t seem right to use magic for real fighting sports.  He told me I was being a damned fool when I turned him down. 

He’s probably right.

I’ve got a blind date with destiny and it looks like she’s ordered the lobster.

Last night was my final show before the bare-knuckle brawl in Biloxi.  I’m going to take a week off.  That’s plenty of time to train for a legit fight isn’t it?   

I worked with Bloody Mary again.  Our “incident” has some buzz online so we have a brief period where we can get a decent payday together.  I told her that instead of a chair match we should do a bit like Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman with the cane.  Only with a chair.  The match is straight up but then the loser gets clobbered.  She didn’t think the fans would be into it.  No one seems to like my ideas.  Clearly I’m a genius unappreciated in my own time like all those dead guys. 

We actually hung out a bit afterwards.  Old Bloody told me she was surprised that I agreed to work with her.  She told me that she was worried I was going to run her over with my car.  I admitted to her that I had thought about it.  She didn’t apologize.  I didn’t ask her why she did what she did.  It’s just the way it goes. 

The professor and I have been keeping in touch.  I told him about Bessie Love and some of the stuff in Royale’s notes and journals.  He’s researching to see if he can find out anything that could help us learn more about their adventures.  He’s a professor so he should be good at that right?   

I had a dream last night that the Asian girl found him and killed him.  In the dream she sent me a picture of herself sitting in his chair in his office grinning with his dead body on the desk in front of her.  I wonder if it was really a dream or a vision.  She knew when I was coming back to Lyons.  How did she know that?  Maybe she dreamed it. 

Maybe that’s how it works.

You can choose to be anything in this world – why do so many choose to be turds?

I had a chair match with Bloody Mary last night. What’s a chair match?  No one knows.  It’s one of those things we do in wrestling that doesn’t mean anything.  What’s the difference between a street fight and a no DQ match?  Or an extreme rules match and a chair match?  It’s all the same thing. 

I expected when I saw her that I would be angry.  Really angry.  I wondered if I would be able to even go through with the match.  I remember sitting in that hotel bathtub feeling like I was dying and thinking of all the horrible things I would do to her if I ever saw her again.  In that moment I would have killer her had I the chance. 

But when I saw her there I didn’t feel much.  Not really.  It was like encountering an annoying co-worker.  Not a mortal enemy.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s a dangerous asshole and she should quit the business.   Our match had obviously gone wrong and she smashed me in the head a bunch of times anyway.  There’s no way she didn’t know I was hurt.   

But I had a hard time bringing up any emotion over it now.  I’ve wondered before how guys in the biz with real beef, usually wife-banging beef, can work together.  Now I get it.  You’re mad but you want a hundred bucks.  So you just go out there and work like a professional.  Unless you’re New Jack, then you stab someone. 

I don’t know if the match would have been any good anyway but the crowd was brutal.  I had heard the first couple of guys coming back saying that it was a bad vibe out there.  They were booing us as soon as we came out.  Not good wrestling “you’re a bad guy and we know the deal” booing, “we’re going to charge the ring and kill you” booing.   

In most wrestling crowds there are a few people who just want to shit on everything anyone does.  Nothing makes them pop, they came to sit there like turds and stink up the place.   This was an entire crowd of those people.  I heard later that a guy working the merch booth got robbed after the show and whoever did it kicked the shit out of him too boot.  It was that kind of crowd. 

I fantasized about leaping into the crowd but that would have been a good way to die.   

And I don’t want to die trampled by a mob of assholes. 

All the Bright Places

It’s hard to say things are going well when you live in a car and have three pairs of clothes.  I’ll say things are back to normal instead.  It feels wrong somehow.   

I’ve heard people talk about survivor’s guilt.  I guess that’s what this is.  People in the comments have said that there was nothing I could have done.  I don’t know if that’s true.  But it doesn’t make me feel better even if it is true.    

I used to feel close to my own death all the time.  I got used to it.  Sometimes I didn’t care if I died.  I’ve never had to deal with someone else’s death before.  Not really.  I remember a guy talking about his dad dying and he said that he expected the world to end.  And instead nothing happened.  People just did the same stuff that always did.  That messed him up. 

It’s like that.  A teenage girl was murdered.  And the murderer got away with it.  And the world just keeps on spinning like it doesn’t matter.  It makes you think that nothing matters.  

I remember the guy in church once saying that people who do bad stuff and people who don’t do anything to stop those people are the same.  I think he was talking about abortion but I’ll ignore that fact.   

I tell myself not to think about it if it upsets me so much.  But that seems wrong too.  I feel like I should be doing something.  Maybe I just watch too many movies.  Maybe in the real world you can’t save anyone.   

Make sure Neil hits the sound queue before I come out of the coffin

The sound guy at the show last night was my ass because he wanted me to use an old song by Rob Zombie as my entrance music.  I didn’t know that Rob Zombie made shitty music, I thought he just made shitty movies.

It bugs me when supernatural characters have music and video packages and lighting to match.  The old Bray Wyatt, creepy redneck cult leader, and the new Bray Wyatt, demon possessed children’s show host are both great gimmicks.  But I’m annoyed by the production that goes into these presentations.  So the guy who’s possessed by a demon went to the production team and was like “okay so I want a red light like this when I come out”?  Makes suspension of disbelief hard for me.

I know that this is overthinking but it still bothers me. 

An old timer who heard this argument told me that I would have better luck if I had a song I did want played instead of just saying “no”.  Which is good advice but I still don’t want to have an entrance song.  I want to just appear in the ring.  I should work on that. 

Sometimes I wish that in addition to real magic Royale had taught me stage magic too.  I think there’s a lot of cool stuff you could do with that in the wrestling world.  There was a guy in the WWE that was supposed to be a magician once.  I don’t think he knew anything about stage magic.  The only trick he did was spraying silly string from what I saw.  And pulling someone’s pants off.

Which isn’t allowed anymore.  You get a hashtag if you do that now.

Be like Subway – do good

When I went into Subway this morning they informed me that the rewards card I was using was stolen and they were calling the police.  This means that the hockey guy I stole it from took the time to report to Subway.  And that Subway took the time to flag the card in their system.  And the person working there cared enough to notice that it was flagged.  And also cared enough to call the police.

This is what’s going on in the world.  This is what people are spending their time on.  You can rest assured that in spite of all the other problems we have that Subway takes their rewards program very seriously. 

I watched the Amazing Johnathan documentary last night.  It was okay.  Maybe if I would have liked it better if I knew who the Amazing Johnathan was.  Besides a meth addict. 

The movie implies that maybe the guy was faking his terminal illness.  Someone says “can you trust anything that a magician does?”  It got me thinking about Royale and all the shit Mr. Petticord was saying about him.  I think, if he bothered to say anything, that he would tell me that Royale was a bullshit artist who knew a little actual magic.  That all his stories about stopping bad people and protecting everyone from evil magic practitioners was made-up. 

It would be easy to believe that.  Royale was a stage magician, he lied for a living.  He was a lonely old man that wanted company.  Why wouldn’t he exaggerate?    Why wouldn’t he make his life sound like something great and purposeful?  It would be easy to believe he was lying.

But I don’t believe that.

I haven’t met many truly good people.  Royale was a good person.  I don’t think he lied to me about anything.  I believe that he maybe was hundreds of years old.  I believe he saved a lot of people.  I believe he did good in the world.  I believe he taught me magic so I could do good too.  Maybe because I want it believe it.  But that’s okay. 

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